How To Be A Random Vampire
by XxXBuri-ChanXxX
Summary: random. that basically sums it up there. we have obbssessions with virtual villagers, poke fights with the volturi, and meeting the author! rated T for my favorite joke
1. virtual people that ruin lives :D

"OMG!" Bella yelled, her laptop placed in front of her on the couch. Edward was in the kitchen, getting her something to eat. He peeked his head out of the kitchen doorway.

"What?" he asked, hoping that the answer wouldn't be what he thought it would be…..oh, he just confused himself.

"Our child just _died!_" she cried, her fingers flailing on the keyboard.

"…." Was all he could respond with, or, not respond.

"I saw it coming! I'm sorry I didn't tell you!...oh, and Jacob's going to do alchemy and blow himself up in 3….2….1…." Alice said, bursting into the room from absolutely nowhere.

"HOW COULD YOU ALICE?...HE'S GOING TO WHAT?" Bella responded. A quick explosion from her laptop told them Alice was right.

"WTF!" Edward yelled. Alice and Bella looked at him as if he were stupid.

"Virtual Villagers, DUH!" Bella yelled, then returned to her game. Alice disappeared again.

"Hey Bella!" Emmett called from upstairs.

"Yeah, Emmett?" she called back, her eyes locked on the screen.

"Did Rosalie have her baby yet?" he said, coming down the stairs. Edward stopped, but then realized, _it's just the game, she really isn't having a baby. _He sat a slice of pizza down next to her, and decided to watch some TV.

"No, she'll be nursing for another 50 minutes," she said, clicking on the screen.

"I don't get it," Edward said as he aimlessly clicked through the channels. Bella looked up at him with a puzzled look.

"What is so addicting about that game? It sounds so lame. I mean, honestly, what's so great about taking care of stranded people?" he said, still not finding a channel.

"What's so addicting? Well, let's set it up on your computer, and see how much you like it."

**15 hours later**

"Hey Edward, I'm going *yawn* to head home," Bella said. He wasn't paying any attention.

"GET THE MUSHROOM DAMMIT! WE'RE ALMOST OUT OF FOOOOOOD!" he yelled at the screen.

"EDWARD! WATCH YOU'RE FUCKING LANGUAGE!" Esme yelled from the other room.

"ZOMG! ESME JUST GAVE BIRTH TO EDWARD'S BABY!" Alice yelled from down the hall.

"WHAT?"

XXXXX

That was my useless virtual villagers drabble haha I am addicted to VV but it's such a bitch sometimes T3T anyway, I hoped you liked it~ please R & R


	2. SMUWW the poke war

**This chapter is dedicated to Girl-In-Colour, for her fabulous idea. :D without her this chapter wouldn't exist! **

The members of the Volturi were bored. Felix was throwing darts at a picture of Edward's face on the wall, Alec and Jane were playing chess, (which was actually quite amusing for everyone because whenever Alec would slightly take the lead, Jane would use her powers on him) and Aro was…..sitting. And singing.

"_IM MR. LONELY! I'M MR. LONELY! I HAVE NOBODY! TO CALL MY OOOOOOOWN!" _ Caius was having a hard time not committing suicide. Little did they know that a war was about the happen. Volturi vs. the Cullens.

The Cullens hid behind a wall, ready for battle. They waited for Carlisle's signal.

"ATTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!" he yelled, then they all bounded into the room. They were all equipped with shot guns and m16s- no, they weren't, I'm sorry. I lied. They all ran around the room, POKING THE CRAP OUT OF THE VOLTURI. Yes, they poked them.

"Regroup!" Carlisle yelled, and just like that, they were back against the wall. The Volturi were…..confused, and slightly bruised. Oh hey! That rhymed!

"Alright what do we do now?" Jasper asked.

"Kill all sons a bitches! Those are my instructions!" Emmett yelled out in a southern accent.

"Are you mocking me Emmett?"

"Emmett, what did I tell you about your fucking language?"

"Sorry mom!" he apologized. Alice thought about it for a moment.

"Isn't that from a video game Emmett? Like, Left 4 Dead or something?" she asked. Emmett didn't answer for a second, then attained a slightly gay (I have nothing against gay people!) Accent.

"Pssssssssssssssssh girl please! It is not," he waved his hand in front of him as if to wave off the idea. Alice just shrugged.

**Mean while, on the other side of the battlefield…..**

"Did you see that Aro? They just attacked us!...by _poking us!_" Jane yelled at her leader.

"Thank you, captain obvious," Felix muttered. Jane looked at him with a death glare, and he flinched. She smirked at him.

"We need a battle plan!" Caius said. Everyone nodded in agreement. They began trying to come up with an idea, but a few seconds later…

"I got nothin," Aro said. Everyone mumbled in agreement.

"I say we just attack them. We have more men," Marcus finally spoke up. Everyone looked at him funny.

"What?"

"When did you get here?" Marcus slapped his forehead in frustration.

"That's not the point! Let's just go out there and win this!" he argued. Everyone cheered in agreement.

"On my mark!" Aro yelled, and waited a few minutes.

"ATTACK!" the Volturi leapt out of their hiding place, and ran for the wall. But they found no one there.

"SUPER FLYING NINJA POKE ATTACK!" Alice yelled from above them. They landed on the Volturi and poked the crap out of them. Soon enough most of the Volturi was down.

"I call Jane!" Alice yelled.

"I call Aro!" Carlisle agreed.

"I call a magical unicorn with wings!" Edward yelled out. Everyone stopped.

"What?" Carlisle looked over at Esme and whispered,

"I'm sorry, but I think our son is gay. We'll have to break the news to Bella."

"I CAN HEAR YOU!" The Volturi took this as their chance. Jane took down Alice quickly, and Aro and Carlisle were having trouble landing a hit, er, poke. Now the Cullens were getting beat. Esme, Emmett, and Jasper all went down.

"WE NEED BACKUP!" Carlisle yelled. then suddenly, five hundred magical sparkling magical unicorns (with wings, as ordered) busted through the ceiling. Rosalie and Edward were seated on one of them.

"SUPER FLYING SPARKLING MAGICAL UNICORN WITH WINGS ATTACK!" they yelled out, and dived for the Volturi.

"Fall back!" Aro yelled, but it was too late. He was surrounded and being poked by hundreds of SMUWW. (Sparkling magical unicorns…..yeah you can figure out the rest) Aro went down last.

"This is not the end Cullens! We will preva-"his speech was cut short as he was poked out of the room. The Cullens let out a cheer.

"AND WE WON! THANKS TO THE SPARKLING MAGICAL-"

"WE GET IT EDWARD!"

"Ummm…..I'm Rosalie….."

"…."

**The end :D so what did ya think? R&R please! Or the Cullens will find you and use the SMUWW on you!**


	3. Haircuts, guitar hero, and authors!

Edward and Jasper were playing their favorite game of all time: guitar hero. Both were on expert mode, their fingers flying against the plastic buttons. Their faces showed their determination to win, which they were equally scoring at this point.

"EDYKINS!" Bella jumped out of nowhere with a pair of scissors. He fell to the ground, his guitar smashing into the floor next to him. It split in half. Jasper and Edward gasped. He held up the broken halves of his guitar, his eyes tearing. Wait…..shit….they can't cry….. REWIND!

A broken sob is what was heard. He was pissed now. .pissed. you get the picture?

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU BELLA!" he yelled, then pounced, but not before she could snip an inch off of his hair. He died inside. Again.

"BUT YOU NEED A HAIRCUT!" she yelled, and was magically on top of him. She laughed like a mad man, er, woman, and cut off more of his hair.

"GET OFF GET OFF GET OFF!" he yelled, but it was no use. Jasper was now taking pictures, and was planning on posting it to his facebook.

"BUT EDYKINS YOU NEED IT! I HATE YOUR HAIR!" she yelled, cutting off more of it. That is where the last nerve snapped.

"THAT IS IT! THAT IS IT! I AM GOING TO KILL THE AUTHOR OF THIS STORY!" he yelled, pushing Bella off.

"How are you gonna do that Edward?" Alice asked, appearing out of nowhere like usual.

"I don't know, I guess we'll have to go on a hunt!" he said excitedly. Alice looked at him funny.

"…WHAT?"

"Your hair looks funny." And so he returned to his game of trying to kill Bella…..UNTIL he got hit with an elevator!

"How the fuck did this get here?"

"EDWARD. WATCH YOU'RE FUCKING LANGUAGE. YOU DO NOT USE THAT FUCKING WORD AROUND ME OK? CAUSE I WILL FUCK YOU UP AND-"

"ALICE SHUT UP."

"Sorry….." Alice, Edward, Bella, and Jasper all entered the elevator. Edward went to go press one of the buttons, but noticed they didn't have numbers. As he looked, he read over each one.

Button number one!: a giant horde of fan girls.

Button number two!: the floor will open and you will die :)

Button number three!: you will arrive at the office!

The only problem? They were all in Chinese. Esme and Carlisle were the only ones in the family that knew Chinese.

"I knew I should have taken that class instead of Spanish…." Edward muttered.

"I say we just hit each one," Bella said.

"No one asked you Bella," Edward was still pissed about the haircut.

"YOU'RE SO MEAN EDWARD!" she cried, and huddled in the corner. They stared at her for a second, then Jasper hit the first button. The wall behind them opened up to reveal a bunch of fan girls. They all screamed when they spotted the vampires.(and one human) They pushed and pulled to get into the elevator.

"HURRY EDWARD! PRESS THE NEXT BUTTON!" Bella yelled as she was also entirely flattened underneath fan girls.

"EDWARD EDWARD WE LOVE YOU!" they cried, trying to rip at his clothes. As he went to push the second button, Alice screamed.

"DON'T EDWARD! PRESS THE THIRD ONE!" and he did. The fan girls immediately disappeared. Edward wiped himself off, and Bella huddled in the corner again. Alice and Jasper just sat there….. They felt the elevator move, and then fell to the floor and it lifted off quickly. With a loud DING the doors opened to reveal a very pristine office.

There was a small desk in front of them, which at that desk sat a girl with when she looked up from her computer, she noticed the vampires (and a human) she gasped, and got up quickly.

"Welcome to Mrs. Cullen's office. I'm Shelby, her secretary." she said, smiling warmly. Her chocolate brown hair was pulled back in a messy bun. A short pinstriped skirt and jacket clothed most of her, with a black cameo underneath.

"Wait…..Mrs. Cullen….?" Bella asked.

"Oh but of course! She's married to Edward!"

"Holy shit even _I _didn't see that coming!" Alice exclaimed. Bella fainted and Edward just stood there. Jasper was silent for a few seconds, then burst out laughing. He was rolling on the floor, holding his sides. Edward promptly kicked him, and Jasper shut up immediately.

"Stay here, I'll go get Mrs. Cullen," the secretary said. She went to open one of the two doors behind her.

"Mrs. Cullen!" your characters are here to see yo-"

"WAIT! YOU CAN'T LET THEM SEE HER YET!" another voice called out and the other door opened. Another girl, but she was a lot different than the secretary. Her skin was a light green color, making her diamond nose stud stick out. She wore a dark purple tank top, with a long sleeved black top underneath. Her knee-length skirt flowed when she walked. Around her ankle, right above her flats, a small daisy chain tattoo could be seen.

She huffed, and walked over to Shelby.

"I haven't edited that part yet!" she cried. Shelby sighed.

_When in the hell is this going to end? _Edward asked himself.

"Why do you have to edit it Becca? Can't she just write it out and be done with it?" Shelby asked. Becca shook her head.

"I have to edit it before it can be viewed by the public," she crossed her arms over her chest, making it clear she wasn't going to give up.

"Its fine Becca!" the author said, "We can just wing it!"

A small girl entered the room. She wore a small black dress, laced around the stomach with a white corset. The sleeves were longer than her arms: black on the outside, white on the inside. Her topaz eyes told them that she was a vampire as well. Her skin was not snow white, but a lovely shade of light brown. Her elegant black curls fell around her face in ringlets. She had a small witch hat on top of her head. On her feet were flats with ribbons that wrapped around her legs up to her knees.

"Hello everyone!" she said cheerfully. "What brings you here?"

"Please, as if you don't know," Edward scoffed.

"I knew I should have edited it…" Becca muttered to Shelby. She nodded in agreement.

"So you're the author of this story?" Alice asked her.

"Kind of. I'm just simply the character that the author created to represent her," The small girl smiled.

"…and your name is…?" Bella asked, fully recovered.

"Jessie," Jessie smiled.

"Ok, well, I would like my hair back, if you don't mind…." Edward said. "Oh! And I would like not to be married to your author."

"Is that it?"

"…is that it? Really?" Edward was a little shocked. Jessie nodded.

"Wait here one moment please!" She ran back into the office, and the vampires could hear the clicking of the keys on her keyboard. She appeared in the doorway.

"Done!" Edward placed his hand on his head, just to check. All of his hair was there.

"Now, as for the whole marriage thing….." Jessie trailed off. "You're just going to have to deal with it!~" She said with a smile.

"WHAT?" Edward and Bella cried.

"Becca, Shelby; please take them to the exit, we're done here," She instructed, then turned back to the Cullens. "I hope we see each other again!" she ran back into the office without another word.

"Now hold on just a minut-" Edward began to say, but was suddenly hit by the elevator. _Again. _

"Leave, we need to get back to work," Becca said calmly.

"But thank you for visiting!" Shelby said with a smile. "Especially you Edward~" She winked at the vampire.

"Mine," Bella muttered. They turned around, and walked inside of the elevator. There was only one button this time. It said, "_Home."_ Edward pushed it happily, knowing that maybe all this craziness would end soon.

**Crazy or what? XD I'm sorry it took so long to update! And now that we have met the author (and secretary and editor) we can continue with the craziness! :D I am running out of ideas here, so if you have any, please tell me in a PM or review, whichever one you prefer :) **


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